Thu, Mar 19,2026

What I learned on 3/19/26, one day after I wrote the above, and not a second too soon: While I didn't see the death of my friend, because I wasn't in the room, someone who actually witnessed it, and told me about her last gasp for breath, just confided something else they witnessed. They said my dear dying friend seemed to express that she was experiencing some great joy from her life, along with that last gasp for breath. They said it seemed she was hearing the voice of, and running to meet, someone she loved... I thank יהוה for manipulating that I gained that knowledge! It means a great deal to think He might have helped her die, while experiencing in her mind, a wonderful moment from her life, or, I hope, foresaw a future moment. My hope is that joy she experienced will soon be part of the future reality for my friend and me; after her resurrection! I still feel  mad  and greatly distressed that she had to die, but... my hope in יהוה is made some better! Leaving me, once again, offering prayer to the only possible source of help: "Help me my heavenly Father, to have joy before your face, forever..." (John 15:7-11; John 17:13) Compared to David, my faith might not hold up well under judgment. But, thank God, He is dealing with each one of us individually. The trial for me, at being witness to the ordeal my dear friend suffered during her horrible death, has actually upended my faith. One thing it should do is help me be more understanding of other people trying to come to know יהוה; and not be judgmental because they are not trying to walk in my same steps. That especially includes someone very dear to me. This leaves me with hoping I'll soon be with both the love of my life, and my now dead friend, in the paradise restored! (Rev 21:1-4; Mat 25:31-34; Isa 11:1-12) This now becomes another webpage I'll have to reread often, lest I forget the faith my trial has engendered and/or reaffirmed...

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Fri, Mar 20, 2026
I want to get off this roller coaster of ups and downs. That has been my life. For my part, the way the above events transpired, and the timing of my coming to be made aware of them, is proof to me there is a God. He clearly led me through that. If it had been just this once, maybe it My whole nearly 80 years of life has been like that: A string of threats followed by protections or partial deliverances, events and circumstances that have convinced me God exists and is active around my life. (VietnamJC.com) Not to get too full of myself for believing God exists, the demons also believe. (James 2:19) It requires more than just believing God exists, we have to believe He is good... (Heb 11:6) That seems to be the problem I have exposed about myself above. I became convinced God would help my dear friend, the friend that wound up dying a horrible death, and when He didn't help her, I got angry. Then, when I found He gave her some brief relief at the very end of her life, I was elated that maybe He did hear my prayer. Today, however, I have awakened once again. My friend is still dead, and her terrible suffering still remains as most of the last part of her life. So, I can't help being left wondering if God really cares about helping us, as He promises about himself, (Zec 2:8) or if his real goal is just to keep us worshiping him; with little real concern for us or our wellbeing. We've never actually "seen" him lastingly help anyone, foremost his firstborn son. We are told Jesus was resurrected to glory and eternal life, but none of us have seen that. We read accounts of people who claimed to have seen Jesus after his resurrection, but they could easily have been deceived.

So, after this fresh and still raw trial, I go back to my attempted Christian life, but, I think, changed. I still try to hope and believe God is good and to figure out how to make sense and to live productively with what my life actually is; but I don't know quite how. Doctors take an oath to "First, do no harm!" I guess that should be a Christian's oath as well. The Bible has taught me the concept of good and righteousness that I had no understanding of before. And so, I do hope there is a God who is bringing that to life, because He is good. That I can even know what righteousness is does seem a miracle. But now I understand I must do so without "knowing" whether God is actually good. In hope, then, I try to be the best person I can be, in imitation and hope of what God asserts himself to be in the Bible. I wish I could be more, but I just don't know how... I still pray for his help, of course, but I can't be a stupid person; just believing blindly. If I was going to do that, I might as well be one trying to get the meaning of life from chicken bones or guts or the alignment of the stars. I started my search for God from before I have memory, seeking to actually know him personally and quickly settling on the Bible as that source of Knowledge. Really knowing him, though, has to rise above trying to have faith based on some words He had recorded in a book. I will be able to know him only when He is actually and personally involved in my life. Can anyone truly be a friend without that? I try to think of my Heavenly Father as my friend. I await and hope for the time when He rises up to take that position. Until then, I will try to be a person who does no harm as He teaches. That's all I know. I hope that doesn't mean I'm wicked... I do know lots of people, especially Religionists, will tell you they do "know" God and they "know" He is real; asserting I'm just a wicked fool to raise such questions. (2 Pet 3:4) What is truth remains your decision to make, even as it is mine and theirs. I am thankful to the God I hope in, even while I also have to "hope" He is good. I am thankful that I know and understand these things, and am able to speak about them. (Mal 3:16-4:3) I don't think any human or group could have produced and revealed what I have learned from the Bible. I do also know this trial and awakening has altered my relationship with him, at least until He stands up to be my everlasting friend and true and obvious and real and eternal helper, even as He has promised. I do know my life could have been a lot worse, and even maybe that I have been preserved alive by him. I also know my life could still yet get a lot worse! Still, what is actually real is what is... I didn't create it, I'm just trying to understand and get the meaning of it. I'm trying to survive it and be blessed by the one responsible. Hopefully, even, to find lasting joy in it! (John 15:11-16) I want to believe those scriptures and I am made so happy when I read them. Shouldn't I, though, be able to believe all of what they say? I continue to try. God help me!